Standing up for Civility

There’s a road I frequent with my children several times a day, Monday through Saturday. It leads to the kids’ schools and to the community center where usually at least one child is engaged in a recreational class. Lined by strip malls and mobile home communities, it is a busy road, a dirty one. The buildings are tinged by the constant exhaust, and trash blows down the gutters.

A few feet from the corner gas station is where the ladies selling goods from Mexico set up their tents, the items in the shade, pots of bougainvillea in the sun. A few feet further, the people selling Trump merchandise set up their tent, and flags, and decorated truck. Across the parking lot from them stand the fabric store, the pho restaurant, a tattoo parlor, a second hand store, a sub shop, and a Mexican party rental place, among other establishments. We’ve got a lot going on here.

Usually I pass all this, and it works. But today, the Trump people had a full-sized flag draped across the truck that boldly proclaimed F*** BIDEN. No stars taking the place of letters, mind you.

Folks, I am done. I am done with people cursing other people. I am done with condescending posts on social media that ooze contempt and dehumanize the other side while misrepresenting their arguments. I am done with the rudeness and the crassness. I am done with the state of our culture right now that supports the puffing out of our self-righteous chests while declaring the opposing side to be idiots. I’m talking to both of you, Left and Right.

And I do not want my children thinking all this is normal. It may seem normal right now, but it is not healthy, and it’s not going to get us anywhere. So I pulled my mom van over to have a polite conversation.

A man and woman sat at the table under the tarp. Another woman folded shirts.

“Hi,” I said. “I wanted to talk to you about your ‘F*** BIDEN’ flag.” I did not use stars to take the place of letters.

The man said, “Yeah? You want one?”

“No,” I said. “Actually I’m concerned about it. I drive this way several times a day all week long. My kids are in the car. I am trying to teach them about being civil, and using appropriate language, and this is what you have up for everyone to see.”

“Oh, we just got in our new merchandise,” he explained. “I haven’t had the chance to black it out.”

Totally. Missing. The. Point.

“Well, it would be great if you could take it down. I’m all for the freedom to share our political views, but I think we can agree that teaching our children about civility as we do so is important, and that some words aren’t for them at this time.”

He nodded, and said, “OK.” The woman sitting next to him nodded and said she understood.

Maybe.

Recently an old friend, a usually very smart and compassionate person, shared on social media a photo of a NYPD post, including her commentary on it. The picture

showed $1,800 worth of baby supplies that had been recovered in an operation targeting shoplifting. Her commentary declared that motherhood was expensive, and she condemned the police for “bragging” about essentially taking away things that some poor mothers stole out of desperation. (Generally in my area, the police post pictures of items recovered in a bust to inform the public; I’m not sure that counts as bragging.)

OK, now let’s get to the facts included in the original post. The NYPD declared that after receiving "numerous larceny complaints" (in other words, there was a pervasive problem) their operation resulted in the arrest of 12 individuals, closing 23 warrants. 23 warrants. For 12 people. To get a warrant, you had to have done something illegal before. I don’t know the breakdown of which of these 12 people had multiple warrants, but the overall takeaway is that this was not a band of poor mothers scratching out the next few days of supplies. These were people well acquainted with criminal activity.

My friend assumed a narrative that fit her bias, despite the facts in the original post, and jumped on the bandwagon to show contempt toward the police. I saw it, and I thought about whether I should say something or not. I decided to respond.

It’s difficult, you know, to respond to someone you care about when they aren’t their best selves. My armpits sweat as I tried to politely write a response that would help her see that it might not be all she assumed it was. I hoped that the gentle tone I intended for my words would come through.

She removed the post.

On behalf of civility, graciousness, and seeing even the people we disagree with as human beings, we have got to speak up. We have to challenge, gently, firmly, and with kindness, the often mindless habit of sowing contempt and parroting politicians whose strategy is to stir up anger at the opposing group. Let’s be an example of how to talk about hard things in a healthy way.

The next time I drive that road, I’ll be curious to see if my conversation had any impact. I’ll update this post when I know. In the meantime, I plan to continue countering crass and disrespectful discourse. Wanna join me?